january reset/the new years blues
Jan. 25th, 2024 09:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theteaisaddictivei refuse to buy into 'blue monday' as anything other than a marketing scheme to get people to buy cheap flights, but i do have to be honest and say that i'm feeling the blues this month again. probably mostly just because there's a lot of changes happening - you remember that i mentioned i was going to a house viewing in this post? well - I ONLY WENT AND GOT THE BLOODY HOUSE!! so now i am in the position of needing to wrangle mortgage applications and lawyers and all sorts of things that i never expected to be dealing with aged 26, and only 15 months into my first post-university job. it's entirely because the inheritance from my auntie was more than enough for a deposit, and like i said last time, there are . . . mixed emotions. the guilt's becoming more difficult to deal with - the sort of, no-specific-source guilt of 'how dare i (almost) have a house and a well-paying job when other people (like my stepsister and my mum+stepdad) struggle with their mortgages and overdrafts'.
i think this time of year in general is just shitty for me. it never was before my auntie died - at least, not in a way that sticks out - but now . . . i was never one for seasonal depression, but i can't really think of another explanation. i'm just generally pretty lonely, too, though - my uni friends are flung to the proverbial four winds, although i just saw my dearest freddie (who lives down south in englandshire) yesterday, and i'm planning on going back to london in june to meet up with them then (due to the nature of their job). my other dearest friend, who is geographically the next closest, i also saw yesterday and had a wonderful time being silly with them - i think i really do need to work on actively meeting up with them more often. i don't like being a nuisance, but i have to remember that it's not being a nuisance to want to see your friends.
dating isn't going much better, either. i know it's cliché to still be pondering out one's sexuality post-uni, but i was in a monogamous long-distance relationship for four years, and so it's never really come up in practice (and as a side note - i've just thrown out the cards from those four years the other day; i broke up with her in june. i guess it just finally felt like the right time). i suppose the real thing i'm trying to figure out is - do i like men, or do i like how it feels knowing men are interested in me? *opens the am i a lesbian masterdoc for the fourth time* ugh, zillennial navel-gazing, i know, but it's a genuine query. i had my first kiss in the autumn, but after talking it through with the group chat i've thankfully come to the conclusion that the girl was just a bad kisser, and that kissing is not, in fact, meant to feel like someone is literally pinching your lips between theirs. i've still never kissed a boy, so that's a data point to be filled - but for the last six or seven weeks, everyone i've been interested in regardless of gender has ghosted me before even getting to the first date, which is frustrating. i'm a catch, god dammit!
the silver lining for this year is that my career is going much better than last january - i've properly settled in, and my . . . i guess annual performance review (?) went very well, with my supervisor saying she and the rest of the team have seen a real difference in me, and that i'm developing really nicely. which is lovely, because i spent most of my first three months thinking some variation of 'why am i doing this job, i'm useless, i'm incompetent, i'm not good at it'. so it's nice to be able to 'graph' how a year has changed things already.
oh fucking hell. i've actually managed to blog myself into a good mood. the same thing happened when i was a teenager with my little paper diary - i'd start off feeling like i was ready to commit myself to the earth, and leave off feeling like everything was alright with the world. well. at least i'm consistent.
i think this time of year in general is just shitty for me. it never was before my auntie died - at least, not in a way that sticks out - but now . . . i was never one for seasonal depression, but i can't really think of another explanation. i'm just generally pretty lonely, too, though - my uni friends are flung to the proverbial four winds, although i just saw my dearest freddie (who lives down south in englandshire) yesterday, and i'm planning on going back to london in june to meet up with them then (due to the nature of their job). my other dearest friend, who is geographically the next closest, i also saw yesterday and had a wonderful time being silly with them - i think i really do need to work on actively meeting up with them more often. i don't like being a nuisance, but i have to remember that it's not being a nuisance to want to see your friends.
dating isn't going much better, either. i know it's cliché to still be pondering out one's sexuality post-uni, but i was in a monogamous long-distance relationship for four years, and so it's never really come up in practice (and as a side note - i've just thrown out the cards from those four years the other day; i broke up with her in june. i guess it just finally felt like the right time). i suppose the real thing i'm trying to figure out is - do i like men, or do i like how it feels knowing men are interested in me? *opens the am i a lesbian masterdoc for the fourth time* ugh, zillennial navel-gazing, i know, but it's a genuine query. i had my first kiss in the autumn, but after talking it through with the group chat i've thankfully come to the conclusion that the girl was just a bad kisser, and that kissing is not, in fact, meant to feel like someone is literally pinching your lips between theirs. i've still never kissed a boy, so that's a data point to be filled - but for the last six or seven weeks, everyone i've been interested in regardless of gender has ghosted me before even getting to the first date, which is frustrating. i'm a catch, god dammit!
the silver lining for this year is that my career is going much better than last january - i've properly settled in, and my . . . i guess annual performance review (?) went very well, with my supervisor saying she and the rest of the team have seen a real difference in me, and that i'm developing really nicely. which is lovely, because i spent most of my first three months thinking some variation of 'why am i doing this job, i'm useless, i'm incompetent, i'm not good at it'. so it's nice to be able to 'graph' how a year has changed things already.
oh fucking hell. i've actually managed to blog myself into a good mood. the same thing happened when i was a teenager with my little paper diary - i'd start off feeling like i was ready to commit myself to the earth, and leave off feeling like everything was alright with the world. well. at least i'm consistent.
